For many, compliments and compliments evoke conflicting emotions. A pleasant conversation about our achievements, talents, or even our appearance can seem vain or insincere. But where does this concern come from?
The anxiety that some (but not all) compliments can cause us is often rooted in a deep-seated insecurity or feeling that we are not as capable or worthy as others think.
Psychologists attribute this anxiety to cognitive dissonance, the mental tension that occurs when our feelings about ourselves do not match how others see us. If you’re your own worst critic, hearing “You’re awesome at this” can be frustrating because it contradicts the narrative in your head that says, “I could do better.”
This conflict often leads to knee-jerk reactions such as avoidance (“Oh, it wasn’t a big deal”) or denial (“He doesn’t really mean it”). But although these reactions reduce our initial anxiety a little, they prevent us from accepting the positive effect of a good word.
Research shows that this struggle is often especially acute for women who learn to be modest and care for others first. So compliments can be like spotlights shining on imaginary flaws. The pressure of perfection that women often feel and even the well-meaning “You’re amazing!” it can appear as a reminder of our shortcomings as we perceive them.
Why is it important to learn to accept compliments?
Accepting a compliment isn’t just a boost to your ego, it’s about connecting with the other person. Compliments are small favors that say, “I see you.” I thank you.” By rejecting them, we unwittingly reject the other’s attention and vulnerability. Additionally, learning to accept praise can help us rewrite the self-doubt scripts we may be hiding inside. When we practice accepting positive feedback, we affirm not only our self-worth, but also the relationships that enrich our lives.
How to get better at accepting compliments
If compliments make you nervous, remember you’re not alone, says professor Lindsey Godwin, but there’s good news: You can train yourself to accept them politely.
Here are three practical strategies:
1. Say “thank you” and take a break: The simplest way to respond to a compliment is sincere gratitude. A sincere “thank you” shows that you appreciate the kind words. Resist the urge to explain away or diminish the compliment. Just accept it.
Example:
Compliment: “You did an amazing job on this project.”
Answer: “Thank you! It means a lot to me.”
2. Resist the avoidance trap: It’s tempting to deflect a compliment with something like, “Oh, that was nothing,” or, “That was a team effort.” Replies can show humility, but they can unintentionally demean the compliment and make the other person feel rejected. Instead, try to accept your contribution.
Example:
Compliment: “Your presentation was very timely.”
Avoid: “Oh, it was a good time.”
Better answer: “Thank you! I’m glad you find it valuable.”
3. Think about it and let it sink in: Compliments often seem fleeting, but you can make them last. Take time to think about kind words, let them sink into your mind. Writing compliments can also help – a ‘compliment journal’ can remind you of your strengths on the hardest days.
Example:
Compliment: Congratulations: “Your advice really helped me.”
Reflection: Afterwards, remind yourself, “My perspective made a difference.”
Turn compliments into bonding gifts
One way to change your mind is to see compliments as gifts. When someone offers a kind word, they are sharing a positive experience with you. Accepting a compliment politely is like saying, “Thanks for the gift, I’ll keep it.” This adjustment can help you stop seeing compliments as judgments of your self-worth and start seeing them as a bridge of connection. The next time someone says something nice to you, try to take it in – not just for your own good, but for the connection it creates. Compliments remind us that our actions and presence are meaningful to others and can foster a sense of mutual appreciation and understanding.